One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about relationships is this: most of the conflict we experience as couples doesn’t come from the actual situation—it comes from our expectations.
We expect too much from ourselves. We expect too much from our partner. And when those expectations aren’t met, we feel discouraged, frustrated, even resentful. We think things like:
“I always do this,”
“You never do that,”
“Why can’t you just help me without me asking?”
But what happens if we stop expecting? If we don’t assume our spouse should do anything in return?
Something beautiful happens.
When your spouse helps out around the house—even if it’s his house too—it feels like a gift. A real act of kindness. A chesed. You look at them and think, “Wow, that was thoughtful.” You feel love instead of resentment. You feel connection instead of distance.
And when you do something for your home or your family, it’s not because you have to—it’s because you chose to. You’re doing a kindness too. If you didn’t cook, they’d eat out. If you didn’t clean, the house would be a mess. Just like you take care of your body, you take care of your home and the people in it.
That’s the role you’ve stepped into—not because anyone forced you to, but because you care.
The more we shift our mindset away from our expectation, the lighter life feels. It doesn’t mean we stop helping or stop showing up. It just means we stop keeping score. It means we choose kindness over obligation.
When we stop expecting and start appreciating, there’s more peace, more love, and fewer arguments.
So if you’re feeling frustrated or weighed down by your relationship, pause and ask yourself: What am I expecting right now?
And what would happen if I let that expectation go?
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